There’s nothing quite like the decadence of indulging in a daydream where you are powerful, beautiful, resisting someone’s shitty offer, singing the most beautiful song in front of everyone you admire or just simply walking away. I fantasize about my strong self often–the parts of me that could resist short lived temptations, the parts that are brave, the inner self that is hungry for intense self expression. When I break out of the daydream, I’m rarely disappointed. I usually feel a creative surge. Sometimes I put on a new outfit and take a picture of myself. And then I post it to Instagram and everyone who likes it somehow is also affirming that I’m not totally a wash bag of old fish bones. Carry on.
We’re all pretty well versed in parental expectation. It’s real shit. I didn’t experience that in the typical sense. My parents rarely remembered to ask about my grades. They didn’t pressure me into University or even flinch when I told them I wanted to study environmental policy. A lot of the time they were too self involved or tired to even know where I was at and what I was doing. But I’ve been thinking a lot about self-imposed expectation. I think I’ve always felt like I’d be doing something great by now. I imagined I’d be highly regarded in some thing or another. It’s beyond that though. It’s like I feel like I have potential but I’m too scattered to commit to one thing. I don’t really have a “thing”. I have bursts of passion. Sometimes all I want to do is express myself musically, and other times I need absolute solitude from sound for months. I like gardening, but not enough to pursue it. I am interested in theatre, but periods of anxiety hold me back from wanting to throw myself on stage and be watched. I am obsessed with herbs, vitamins, testing various tonics and substances on myself and boyfriend. I like cutting hair. I am into urban policy. I am into beekeeping. But not 100% committed to anything. I’ve been petrified my entire life of having a career. I like to see the exit as soon as I walk in. Tell me how easy it will be to leave this if I hate it. It’s like having agoraphobia towards most things.
I’ve had at least ten dreams this past month where I am in highschool and taking a math class or something and eventually have an “aha” moment where I close my books and announce “hey guys, I don’t have to do this because I’ve already been through university. Right?” And everyone looks around and nods and says “yeah, I guess not.” I understand these dreams as my brain saying you can move on. I’m clinging to the high I felt in university. I’m clinging to the notion that everything’s possible and there’s a party Friday night and you’re great and smart and let’s talk about the perils of the tar sands and first-past-the-post politics. I’m clinging to the reckless wake up late and head to class, feel like you have life meaning cause you made an astute observation in class and everyone is like //who that girl//. Can’t tell whether I’m craving it or I need to give it up. Probably the latter. There’s something strangely invigorating about the constant ego boost of a Bachelor of Arts. When I hear the girls who work at the coffee shop talk about their “new apartment” and this “guy I’m seeing” and “this new thing I’m a part of” and they’re sipping coffee (how indulgent! I’d have a panic attack) and dyeing their pubes pink and hitchhiking home after work… I’m partly jealous? It helps to pretend they’re jealous of me too.
I’ve idolized people who could make a living from one thing. People you can call up and be like, hey, my pepper plant has weird bugs on it, what do you think? And they’re like, yeah, it could be aphids or does it look more like a beetle? Or when everyone in town is like “you’ve gotta go to ____ for _____”. I wanna be the figurative man! “THE MAN!” This post is funny to me. Im becoming very self aware of how I’m sounding (mopey, lazy? Twenty five?) Fuck it yo!
A few things float around my head, and sometimes they feel contradictory: You’re only a fucking human. What is amazing, anyway? Is the circus amazing? Or is being in a committed supportive relationship amazing? Trick question. Both are amazing. Is it more important to do great things at a macro scale or a micro scale? What fulfills you versus what makes you look great on paper? Stop fighting your natural urges. Fight them a little more. You don’t need to be anything. Do what feels best at the time and keep doing. Doing something is more important than what you’re doing (Wisdom of adam).
That last one hits home. There are so many ways to express yourself and express what you are doing with your time. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone either. You’re not a piece of poop if you work at a cafe, or walk dogs, or just moved in with your sister, or are just focusing on painting, or making decorative piñatas. You’re living. And the sun goes up and the sun goes down.
One last thing. Watch Wolf Alice make me jealous with her semi-high budget music video. Hey @wolfalice hey! Can I be in one of your vids? #wolfalice